In response to my husband’s comment concerning my “granny panties” yesterday, I came downstairs today in what he lovingly refers to as my “fat girl guard.” I’m sure every woman out there is familiar with this item of clothing. It’s the piece that you tie around your waist to hide your bottom when you are just plain having “one of those days.” I’m pretty sure we all know that it doesn’t actually hide anything, and that rather it actually calls more attention to that which you are trying to hide, and yet there is something so very comforting in having it wrapped around one’s waist. I even recall some ingenious designer a number of years ago who designed the perfect “fat girl guard,” in that it was actually just a piece of fabric with two “arms” for tying – no added bulk of the old college sweatshirt. Had I known what pregnancy was going to do to my body, I would’ve invested in one back then. Of course, instead I snickered at the poor women who actually wore the thing. I mean, who were they kidding? Well, Ms. Young-Skinny-Know-It-All-Melissa, I’d like to introduce you to Mrs. Two-Pregnancies-In-Two-Years-Mama-Melissa. Yes, indeed, you are one in the same.

Later on in the day, I heard my husband rejoicing in the kitchen. My shipment of the world’s most fabulous panties ever arrived, and he was doing a jig around the kitchen to the tune of “thank God no more granny panties! Woo!” Over and over and over. Seriously, these are the most perfect undergarments ever. Ms. Smalls is nothing short of a genius. Not only are they pure white and cotton and respectable, but they are darn sexy, to boot. A tall order from a pair of underwear.

And then I gave Pea a pedicure. She chose the color. She is sophisticated.