Today, I went with Pea to the mall. I don’t like this mall. I don’t really like any mall. But I needed to try this product by Bobbi Brown that was supposedly going to change my life. Well, maybe not my life, but at least the occasional undereye dark circles I’ve been suffering from of late. And like most other malls in America, this one has a small area for the kids – full of cool things to climb on and slide down and it’s surrounded on all four sides by built-in benches for the parents to rest on. Of course, Pea had to stop in there to play. No big deal, I didn’t mind killing a half-hour in there. As she was climbing atop a giant centipede-looking thing, a little boy, about 18-months old or so sidled up to her and bit her on the back. He BIT my little girl on her back. Hard enough to make her cry. And she is tough, but this one got to her. I discreetly looked around to see where his mother was. Had she seen this? And no one seemed to claim him. No one was watching us – him. At all. So I ushered Pea to a different part of the play area, away from chompers.
And yet he found her again. First, he slapped her and then he pushed her off the side of the slide. This time, as I was desperately looking around for his parent, his mother came up. She was young, looked extremely tired and didn’t say a word. Not a single word. Do I have to mention how this caused me to just seethe inside with hatred for this woman whom I don’t know? This woman I’ve never met?
I was enraged that she wouldn’t say anything to her son. She plopped him down in another area and went back to whatever it was she was doing, which looked to me like wishing she was anywhere but there.
I crouched down to Pea’s level and explained to her that sometimes kids don’t play nice, it’s not her fault, and that the best thing for her to do is to take the high ground and walk away. Even if it means not playing with a toy that was rightfully in her possession. Or having to walk away from her beloved slide. And it’s so unfair that she has to do that, but what else can I do? How else can I handle a situation that desperately calls for the parent of the other child to become involved, but for whatever reason, they don’t? And I’m not kidding myself here, believe me, I have seen Pea act as the offender in a few situations, but I can honestly say that when I am with her and we are around other children, I am on her like butter on bread. I divert bad situations with the skill of a Navy Seal. I discipline her quietly in a corner if I’m not quick enough. I don’t embarrass her but I certainly hold her accountable. Why don’t other parents do the same? I just see this time and again and it’s getting harder and harder to know how to adequately handle the situation. The feral mama cat in me wants so badly to say to that little stinker who bit my daughter on the back, “don’t you ever, ever touch my child again…” But I don’t and I won’t. Because I don’t want to offend. So instead? I sit and glare at this woman, this mother who in my mind, whether true or not, doesn’t give a crap about how her child is behaving until she grabs her kid and quickly leaves. Did she leave because of my disapproving stare? Probably not. She didn’t seem all that present to begin with. But really, what are the rules already for handling this situation? I know I’ve asked before, but please, someone, tell me what to do in this situation because I’m running out of ideas. And I’m really tired of making my child take the high road. That’s not fair and pretty soon she is going to catch on. And I know her, she won’t stand for it.
Needless to say, she is two and as soon as she caught sight of the little Merry-go-round, she’d forgotten all about the assault at the mall playground.
She sure is fun to hang out with…
comments
LOVE your blog… just found it via a google ad… i LOVE it! its nice to see someone else has similar hang-ups about “Stuff”.
I have no qualms about other parents telling my child that their actions are wrong or have hurt someone around them. I actually encourage it. Many times children learn much more from those around them than they do from their Mother or Father, probably because they hear from you everyday. So I will let other kids know when they do things that are not OK with me and my kids. The first time he touched my child I would have made it clear right there to him that what he did was not OK.
Also, I feel that your children need to know that you are protecting them and that they can stick up for themselves. And quietly leaving the situation and having it happen again is not really showing your child that your protecting her.
Why would you wait until the mother clue’s into what has happened? And so what if they get nasty? Defensive? You need to clue her in – not too make a seen or anything – but in most cases engaging the other child usually gets the other parent involved. But if not, let her know.
Nope, Pea is just a nickname… as in Sweet Pea.
Your child is simply precious and beautiful. Her name’s not really Pea though is it? No, you wouldn’t do that to a sweet baby girl, would you?
Lovely blog, and I’m in absolute agreement with your view on derelict parents. What amazes me is when they actually get defensive when the situation requires a conscious parent to intervene.
Parents that have kids who control the situation, no matter what behavior is occuring…. have let their child win. That mother couldn’t say anything to her kid cause she has lost all control. You perhaps, in a friendly way, could befriend her and teach her how to give her child boundaries and choices for responsible behavior. She seems totally lost.
Oh, and that pic looks like it was taken at the Mall in Norfolk, VA. =) I’ve been there ! =p
Hi Melissa, thank you for your comment—
this parenting thing can be VERY challenging sometimes! Negotiating a child through the day is hard enough without having to worry about other people’s kids as well! But I know what you mean when you said something told you not to say anything to that mom! Some people just smell dangerous, lol!
Sometimes I DO need to keep my mouth shut….also remember to trust that little voice (like the other day, when I was feeding my 3 month old brown sugar water for his constipation – per my doctor’s orders-and I had given him quite a bit and I was going to stop and I thought well, just a leeeeeeetle more and that voice said, I wouldn’t do that if I were you….and, well, I did it anyways- and he THREW UP ALL OVER ME…..whoops. Shoulda listened!
On the contrary, I like your chutzpah! I’m still loud and uptight, even here in TX… just trying to navigate this whole parenting thing. I really try to avoid confrontation with other parents, because I’ve noticed that often a child’s bad behavior is a reflection of his or her parents. And something about this mother told me to keep my mouth shut – which is not me at all. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened and I’m just at a loss as to how to handle it. So I really, really appreciate your comment! And I don’t want my girls to think mama isn’t going to stand up for them, I just need to figure out how to do it gracefully.
Hahaha! I just read your blog about In Laws, where it said that you used to live in NY too, and that you used to be a typical NY-er, aka, loud and uptight. You must think I am loud and uptight after the comment I wrote above, LOL!!!!
Oh well!
well,
I don’t know why people don’t watch what their children are doing and use those times as teachable moments, teach them WHY being aggressive is not cool, give appropriate consequences, i.e., take them off the play structure, etc. But I am sure not going to suck it up in front of my child, teaching her to avoid confrontation, teaching her that it’s ok for some complete stranger to come up and bite or push her, and that she is not allowed to stand up for herself, and that mommy is not going to stand up for her either. I know you guys don’t want to offend anyone, but if someone is aggressive to my child and they are not quickly taken to task by their parent, then, that is offensive to me. I am my child’s only advocate. I have to teach her to stand up for herself.If a child is aggressive to mine, I say in a firm voice, excuse me, no hitting, etc. Then if the parent comes over at some later point, I will mention to them (in a non blaming voice-because sometimes kids are aggressive, it doesn’t mean their kid is the next Stalin) your little guy hit my daughter, etc. Why let them get away with it? Maybe it’s because I live in NYC and sometimes the kids in the playground are aggressive, especially the older ones, but I do not want my daughter to have a victim complex. We talk about it later, I say to her, what can you say the next time someone just hits you on the slide? Now she knows enough, at 4 (I started this at 2) to say, “Don’t hit me!” or “Hitting hurts, there’s no hitting here” One time this little boy was on the monkey bars swinging toward her , and as he got close enough, he just reached over and ripped her hands off the bars and she fell splat on the ground. Was I supposed to just pick her up, soother her and leave the playground? Hell no.I told him, Excuse me, do not ever put your hands on my child or anyone else like that again.(Because of course his parents were not paying attention and I couldn’t figure out who they were) When I figured it out, I went up to them and said, your son ripped my daughter’s hands off the monkey bars and made her fall, and he needs to apologize to her. And they made him. I didn’t care so much what they thought of me. I wanted my daughter to get an apology and to see her mama standing up for her, and see that we are not going to just skulk off. We stand up for ourselves.I’m not saying I want to get into a screaming match with someone, I would never engage in something like that in front of my child, but I want her to learn that she is not a victim.She used to have a tendency to run away crying ( and would cry on and off again for the next HOUR OR TWO) and she is learning to stand up for herself. I would say honey, go get your turn, and watch and make sure she got it. Other kids may bully your children, but you have to teach them skills to handle it. It’s not so important if the kid listens to her, it’s more important that she knows what to say to stick up for herself. If something happens, and the parent ignores the situation, I will handle it in a friendly and firm way. If people don’t want me disciplining their kids they better get over to the play structure and do it themselves. Because I am sure not going to let some kid whale on mine!
First, Pea is Adorable!!
I found your blog a few weeks ago and love it!
Why aren’t there more parents like us?
You handled the situation just as I would have.
I do not allow my children (Bella 3 and Trenton 9) to behave that way towards each other or anyone else. I step in right away when I see something about it arise
I avoid confrontation and never want to offend so I would never say anything to another parent but why can’t they all just be courteous and mind their children.
I have pulled Bella out of playgroups and avoided certain parks for this very reason.
So I’m with ya!
Patricia
OMG! Your little girl is adorable!
I’ve done daycare & fosterparenting & I’ll tell you, even the nicest kids have their biting moments. If that biting thing isn’t gotten on, right away, they learn that’s the way to express themselves & it is so hard to break!
I don’t like that whole walk-away thing that’s so popular at daycares right now either. I think it just teaches bullying (no accountability!) & doesn’t teach kids how to talk out conflict. I was constantly saying, “Use your words! Use your words!” Kids need to be taught, “If someone hurts you, you need to get a grownup to help you both TALK it out.” This works at daycare, with siblings & friends, but it is hard at the playground with strangers.
You do awesome- separating your child from the other kid. Nobody wants to cause a scene, but I have totally been there trying to separate children during/after a fight & I say to the other child, “Where is your grownup? You need to go see your grownup.” I take my kid away from that child for examination & comforting.
Most parents/caregivers are terribly embarrassed if their child hurts yours, but every now & then you’ll get the off one that reacts defensively. Its natural to be emotional about our kids!
If the other parent gets offended, nasty or threatening in anyway, I just say, “I’m sorry, we need to go” and leave. It is not worth having a spat with someone in front of the kids. If you can’t leave (like you are waiting for your spouse or something), go for a walk as far away as possible with your child until everyone is cooled off.
You are an awesome mommy!