So this year, we are doing something different in our house, for the first time ever in the history, albeit short one, of our little family. We will be celebrating Hanukkah in addition to Christmas. I’m Jewish. My husband is Christian. And although I’m not religious, I am trying to be more spiritual. This is of particular importance to me now that I’m a mom. I am not necessarily feeling a traditional synagogue or church these days, it’s just not my thing. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want my girls to have a fulfilling spiritual life.

Unfortunately, I was not raised in a religious household. My mother’s faith was tested when she was a very young girl by something that was so completely out of her control, and it shook her to her core. Her view of organized religion was never the same. And that, in turn, affected her kids. I’m sure that’s not what she wanted, especially now, when she looks back. But it’s how it was, and I don’t blame her for it. We all have our paths in life…

But it led me to have an almost obsessive interest in religion. And not just the traditional ones. Any religion was of interest to me as I was growing up. I studied them all. And when I went off to college, I made it official with my double major in Philosophy and Religion, and then I topped it all off with a minor in Asian Studies, with a focus on Asian Religions. And now, looking back, I see that I was on a search for a place where I would fit in. A place that would help me to see – feel – who it is that I am. Or was. Because in addition to having a mother who was not religious, I am also adopted. It was a private adoption, a long time ago, and so I have no idea what my background is. Catholic? Unitarian? Atheist? Quaker? Jewish, after all? I have no way of knowing. So there’s always been this little part of me that just had this nagging question of where I actually fit into the religious scheme of things.

I love the culture behind Judaism, the history. I definitely identify with that. But as far as the religion, it just never called out to me. But this year? Something has changed in me. Something huge.

I want to explore my Jewish heritage.

And so, we will be celebrating Hanukah in our house this year. We will light the candles on the menorah and sing the prayers and play with the dreydl and I will do my honest best to explain why to my girls. And my husband. Why do we light the candles? What does this food symbolize? I am so relieved that he is supporting me in this decision. Honestly, I was afraid to tell him that I wanted to do this. That I wanted to try out a new tradition. But it feels so imperative to me at this point in the game… I have this desperate need to do this. I’m afraid that if I don’t, I won’t have passed along enough of who I am, who I was, to my own girls. And how will they know who they are if they don’t know who I am?

Of course, for me, all traditions are built around amazing food. So I’ve been researching and reading up on what food I should serve. It’s been hard. I really am so out of control with the whole needing to be in control that I just can’t settle on any one menu. But then, the December issue of Cooking Light arrived in my mailbox. It is one of my favorite publications, has been for years. I cook from it all of the time, the food is delicious, wonderfully seasonal, and just never disappoints. And so wouldn’t you know that on page 286, I found my menu:

Caramelized Onion-Potato Spread
Watercress, Arugula, and Citrus Salad
Tomato Soup with Parmesan Toast
Spice-Rubbed Roasted Salmon with Lemon-Garlic Spinach
Potato-Scallion Latkes
Maple-Tangerine Carrot Coins
Chocolate-Drizzled Mandelbrot

Doesn’t that just make your mouth water? I can practically taste it. The fact that it’s from Cooking Light makes it all the more perfect. I’ve made a very solemn oath to myself that this holiday season was not going to be like any other holiday season. This year, I will not use the holidays as an excuse to gain ten pounds! I’m going to take control of myself, for the first time ever, and make wise and conscious choices with my food. I’m going to treat myself well, I’m going to eat well and come New Year’s, I’m not going to have to make the same ridiculous resolution I make every year, to get back into shape. Because I’m not going to get out of shape.