Pea’s preschool always sends home a note right before a major holiday (Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day…) with very explicit requests that parents not send elaborate gifts for the kids in the classroom. This means no cookies, no candy, no small gifts. A card will suffice, if it’s called for (such as on Valentine’s Day). I always, always follow this rule, if for no other reason than you just don’t know that something appropriate in your home is going to fly in someone else’s home.
Halloween was the first “major” holiday of the school year. Pea came home with a lot of candy and some small toys, many of which were for an older child. It was not a big deal, we did allow her to indulge in some of the treats. We believe everything in moderation is a good rule of thumb with our girls, particularly with Pea, since she’s now a preschooler. But what I really paid attention to was that a good number of the parents in the class apparently had not read the letter sent home the previous week, asking to please, please do not send anything for the kids. The school, the room mother, they will handle the arrangements.
The thing that struck me at the time was that the “room mother” was in charge of appropriate treats and activities for the class and she made cute little gift bags that she then stuck a card on that read “Love, So-and-So (insert her son’s name). Odd, right? She’s the room mother, acting on behalf of all the kids in the classroom, and yet she signs her son’s name to the gift bag? Okay. Letting it go…
So, fast forward to Christmas. Once again, we received the obligatory note sent home in Pea’s backpack asking us not to send anything for the holiday. The school and the room mother will make sure the kids are all taken care of. And once again, a handful of the mothers did not listen and sent gift bags for each child. But we did not. Because I read the note and listened to the school’s request to refrain. Because that’s what I do. I play by the rules.
But when we were coming up to Valentine’s Day, I decided “to heck with it all.” I went out and bought some cute little crafting supplies and Pea and I were going to make cute little gift bags with some very inexpensive little treats in them. Think sweethearts and little rubber ducks that grow in the bathtub. I was not going to play by the rules. I was not going to sit this one out.
And then… the note. This one, more strongly worded than any of the others. Valentine’s Day is not to be made a big deal of. The kids will get a special cookie and a juice box and that is it. The school will handle these accommodations. And parents? Please, do not send anything with your child. So I read the strong tone of the letter and decided no, I was not going to send these little gift bags with Pea, after all. The school is obviously bothered by the amount of stuff that’s been coming into the classrooms for holidays and they’d had enough. Again, I was going to play by the rules. A little Valentine’s Day card for each child in her class, which she decorated with stickers, was going to be it. That is what was approved by the school.
And then, my husband came home from the school after picking her up this afternoon, and, you guessed it… lots of little gift bags from a handful of kids and only three other children in class heeded the school’s request in sending simple cards. Ugh. I hate this feeling now, of being one of only a couple of moms who not only listens to the school’s requests, and never sends gifts for the classroom. Like I’m cheap or something. Which I’m not. I just do as I am told. What else should I have done? I’m not enjoying this feeling. I’m wishing I had sent those little bags after all…
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Just saw this and HAD to comment…
My DD has an allergy to food coloring. The reaction is not life-threatening, however it does cause her to behave similar to a child with Aspberger’s. She is in a small-preschool class of 13… no make that 14. Fortunately, her teachers are extremely vigilant and do not let her have anything containing the stuff. Unfortunately, the others parents either forget or disregard it and send snacks (and gifts on holdiays) that contain the stuff and poor DD has to watch the other kids eat them while she has nothing or gets crackers.
Most likely this policy to prevent this from happening. I wish her school would enact something similar. Our neighborhood elementary school has banned holiday candy for this reason- to protect kids with allergies from having reactions or being left out. It is unfortunate that your child’s school isn’t following through. This is even worse than not having a policy at all!
Until manufacturers stop using peanuts, milk, artificial colors/flavors and other common allergens this is going to be more and more common. Perhaps explaining it as a health issue for other children will help them to feel sympathetic? I know my DD is aware and careful with her friends who have nut and dairy allergies because of her own and because we’ve talked about the importance of protecting them from exposure.
At least they send home a note. So far every holiday that has come and gone has had NO note from our school and so I have NO idea what the appropriate behavior is. And I read the monthly newsletter, so I know I’m not missing it somewhere.
This is a classic example of the school not putting any teeth into the rules. Lets face it folks, given the nature of things today I don’t think homemade anything should really be coming into the schools and given the nature of so many specialized diets these days maybe there school is right to say no to things. However, if the school is going to make the effort and have the expense of printing the notes – it also needs to enforce it and stop allowing things that are not approved to come into the classroom – that or they just need to stop pretending.
And the home-room mother then signing the stuff from her son – well that was just wrong if the rules are such that she and her son were the only ones allowed.
Lastly, the whole thing about a child not being allowed to participate if late – that is crap. I could understand child not being allowed to participate for their own actions that they can control (mis-behaving in class) – but being late is a function of so many other thing that the average pre-school/kindergarten kid has no control over.
How frustrating!
My 2.5 year old is in a tot-time program at the local nursery school and I like the way they handle special events. Because of peanut allergies in the school, they don’t allow any baked goods from parents, but you can bring hoodsie ice cream cups along with special napkins for birthdays. On holidays, they have a sign up sheet for what they need (plates, cups, napkins, etc.) and they provide the treat. I like this because sometimes it seems there are enough birthdays and special events to make everyday a party and this keeps them from becoming sugar/junk fests. This valentines day, they sent home a note saying they would have a party and exchange cards. My son came home with a decorated bag full of cards, a container of pink playdough from his teachers (cute!), and one “goodie bag” filled with hershey’s kisses that had no name on it so I’m not sure if it was from the school or a child. I had asked about candy and they said not to send it, but since they didn’t send an official notice they must not have felt too strongly.
It sounds like your school needs to either rethink it’s policy or back it up and I think you should speak to or write a letter to the director to let her know how flummoxed you are by the evident contradictions. You likely won’t be able to change what other parents do, but if you were to mention at pick-up time how frustrating the policy was in relation to the reality, maybe some other parents would pipe up and you could get a dialogue going so you could suss out the general feel of the crowd.
Hi! I know exactly what you are talking about. Fortunately, our school has never sent notes home like that. But one thing they do that really ticks me off, is they give a party to all of the kids that haven’t been tardy all semester. I mean, these are kindergarteners, who are being brought to school by their parents or on the bus. It isn’t their fault that they were late, you know? My son was late one time, because I failed to get him there on time, so he didn’t get to participate in the party, and he was very upset and hurt, especially when my daughter (pre-k), on the other hand, did get to go to it, because her class starts later than his does, and she got there on time that day.
Oh well…sorry to rant on your blog post!
Love your blog, BTW!
Next time ask around with the other moms in your daughter’s preschool class if they plan to obey the note or not. Express that you’d like to send something but feel guilty breaking the rule. Let other’s feedback help you gage the appropriateness.
If you have strong feelings about the need for healthy treats, make sure that what you send clearly communicates that. If half of what my child receives is homemade granola bars, or organic rasins I would get the picture, wouldn’t you?
The important thing is that your child enjoys the holiday, and that you don’t create strife with other families. If you are pretty sure most other moms are okay with extra goodies coming home, then encourage your daughter to give! Don’t worry so much about the school, they go through this EVERY YEAR, it’s not like they don’t know what’s going to happen!
I don’t like this policy.
My oldest daughter is in junior kindergarten this year. I have prepared special goodies and sent special snacks for every holiday and her birthday. Last week, a note came home requesting ONE parent to volunteer to bake a cake or cupcakes to avoid having too many treats in the class. I panicked a little, because I had promised my daughter that I would send special cookies.
So I called the school, and in the end, I sent the cookies. Two dozen of them. But what’s the big deal here? Special occassions should be celebrated, and while I can certainly understand the “no elaborate gifts” (IMO, gifts should be given at home, not in the classroom), where’s the harm in a cookie or special snack, even if half the children bring them?
I would have sent the bags. Save them for Easter and send them then. The ducks sound cute!
I agree with some of the mothers regarding speaking to the teacher about this issue. Also, not that I want to get too deep about this, but these “rule-breaking” parents are fostering a sense of of entltlement in their kids by flaunting their disregard.
That would really tick me off. Not just the rule breaking, but I think parents have a right to have a say over what goes into their kids bodies, especially preschoolers. Maybe you just don’t want your kid eating refined sugars, or maybe your child has celiac or you keep kosher. But if moms are passing out homemade goodies to all the kids, your kid is going to want to have it, too. At least if the school is in charge of preparing goodies (or telling parents what would be appropriate to bring in), they can take parents’ wishes and kids’ dietary restrictions into consideration.
But in the case of strongly worded letters telling parents not to bring in goodies, I definitely think the preschool should send any goodies back home with the rule-breaking parent. That is the only way to change the behavior since the parents at that school have obviously learned the letters mean nothing.
I guess I’m a spoilsport, though. I think school is for learning, socializing and playing. Not for parties and unhealthy snacks. Save that for your kids’ friends after school at your house.
As a teacher I know the dillemna of birthday/holiday treats. Our school has a healthy snack policy and a “no extravagance” (if you will) policy reagarding celebrations. I can imagine how you feel about making all those treats and then not sending them, only to see Pea bring him 5 different goody bags. What the teachers should do, if they’re going to send hom such strong notes about not sending things in, is send them back with the student… saying “thanks, but no thanks.” That’s what we do, and aside from the one parent a year who will get thoughtfully made bags returned to them, no one does anything without getting permission first. hope y’all had a Happy Valentine’s Day!
I feel for you because Pea is old enough to know whether or not she’s bringing in a special treat to share with her class. Unlike my toddler, who, has no idea the effort I went through to bring in cupcakes and goodie bags for his entire class this morning!
I do it because, to me, that’s the FUN mom stuff. I don’t think you should be stopped if it’s what you want to do and other mothers are breaking the rules, too. What you should do is talk to the teacher and say, “Look, obviously the no treats thing isn’t working. How about you come up with a list so parents can sign up for what they want to bring in?” That way, it would be school-approved and 5 mother wouldn’t be sending in cupcakes (or some other treat you don’t need 5 of).
I’m a rule-follower too. It’s no fair when others break them and get away with it!
That’s so crappy. I really feel for you – I’m a rule-follower myself, and I’ve always respected the requests of the Princess’ preschool. Thankfully, the other mothers do too (with a few minor exceptions.) I’d talk to your school about it, although I expect that they’re doing the best they can (with the notes home.) Perhaps you should suggest to them that when a parent brings in such items they should be turned away immediately, or not distributed. It would only take a couple of times of that happening before everyone got the message.
Hope you have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
I understand your frustration. I think I would have spoken up sooner. From what you’ve previously written about this Room Mother situation they sound just wonderful (read: sarcasm). I’d just be interested to know what goes on when those kids show up with the goody bags, who makes the call to let them get passed out.
Hi! I’m new. Just found this blog, which is cute and funny and lets me focus on the amusingness of family life (instead of the chaos of the work/family balance). But anyway.
I so hear you on this issue. Zella (my preschooler) had her 4th birthday celebration (they call it a birthday walk at her school) last spring, and when I asked if I could bring a special snack for the class (because Z had told me about some other kids bringing cupcakes or whatever) the teachers said “if you wanted to bring some fresh fruit for the children that would be a wonderful snack”. Her Montessori school tends toward the cruncy and organic, so I believed them. Watermellon it was, cut in snazzy little boats. Which is OK, except that Z was a little dissapointed that there weren’t cookies, and later I found out that in fact, ALL of the other kids had cupcakes, or banana muffins, or cookies, or cake!
And don’t even get me started on Valentines for my 15-month old son’s daycare class….
I have to agree that I would talk to the school. What a crummy deal. I hate that feeling too! AND I bet your bags would have been the BEST ones, too!
Happy Valentines Day to your WHOLE family….
I would talk to the school about the issue. Obviously a problem because you are trying to respect the rules and many others are not.
You have a right to feel completely frustrated. i would feel the same way.
you know, i was wondering about this myself – my 2.5 yr old brought home a party hat and a goody-bag from daycare the other day – apparently they celebrated Max’s birthday… and here i was, just letting her birthday pass by un-commemorated because they told us that they prefer not to give away party favors or cakes as that will deviate from the kids’ routine and set up undue expectations…
well, tomorrow is the card-exchange for Valentine’s day at her daycare, and am just sending her with a dozen cards as her teacher’s note requested
it’s so unfortunate that the other mother’s are being so jerky and setting a poor example for their kids!! i mean…cmon! if the instructions are to not send anything then DONT SEND ANYTHING! kendall’s preschool has a strict policy as well – no costumes at halloween, no candy, no gifts…etc, etc. and not one of the mother’s in the school has sent anything when they’ve been asked not to. i totally understand your frustration. i would do the same thing as you and follow the instructions.
hope you guys are well!!
XOXO
Hmmm, I know just how you feel.
Sounds like the school needs to send those little goodies right back where they came from. Or maybe share them anong the staff!