I’m feeling irritable tonight. I don’t know if it’s the nightmare I just went through of sorting all of my recycling for tomorrow’s pick-up or if it’s my husband’s lack of attention at what might need to be done around the house. I’m leaning towards the latter. While he’s great with the stuff that requires a trip to the hardware store, he’s not so great when it comes to dressing the girls or bathing the girls or feeding the girls. And I admit it. Today? I feel really put upon. I try to give him as much space as he needs to unwind and recuperate from his work, but hey? What about me? When do I get the chance to unwind and recuperate from my work? Equally as difficult, certainly far more rewarding than his, but still, sometimes it just feels like work to me.
We have this deal – as unspoken deal – that on the day he returns from a show he gets to rest. Not an issue, I think it’s fair. And yet today? I’m bothered that while he was asleep on the sofa in the great room, there was a fast-paced and oftentimes chaotic life going on around him that he 1) had no awareness of and 2) if he did have an awareness of, chose to ignore. When it was time to get ready to go out and eat? He was sitting at his computer while I was changing diapers and dressing the girls. Annoying.
He’s a great dad and he’s a great husband. I love him dearly. But my God, would it kill him to lend me a hand once in a while? Without me having to ask? I’m not expecting him to be a mindreader, but get a girl dressed? Bathe a girl before bed? Please?
And thank you for letting me vent. I feel much better now. I might even apologize for that unsavory name I muttered at him under my breath. Maybe.
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This could very well be written about our household… take away the out of town trips, and add being on call at the hospital 2 nights a week and you enter my world. My hubby to gets a day of rest on his post call days… usually sleeping off the night well into the afternoon, granted I’m at work, if it’s a weekday, so ouor nanny is on Laiq duty… but I know what you mean. I’d like a helping hand, now and then, without being asked, like when I’m on the phone and Laiq insists on following me around, begging to be played with by me, while my husband (who I adore) is oblivious and continues to watch tv, or do whatever he’s doing. When I get to breaking point and say something, the response I get is… “he wanted you!”… well, guess what as much as I love my child, I don’t “want” him all the time!
After reading this, I went and gave my husband a big kiss. Because really, he gets home from work every night, changes his clothes, and jumps right in. I think it really helps that we have regular talks about what specific duties I need help with every day. I do have to ask him specifically to do things sometimes, but I try to give him choices (Do you want to clean up the dishes or get the kids ready for bed?). I trust him to be honest with me when he is overloaded and needs a break, and I try to do the same.
Also, I am not the type to suffer in silence. When I get stressed and overworked I make his life a living hell. So that probably helps too.
Having always been a bit of a tomboy, I fiercely resist the idea that men and women are wired differently. But after listening to all of you, maybe they are. Or at the least, they are socialized differently, which has the same end result. It’s great to hear there are so many other women who feel like I do – that I there are some things I shouldn’t have to ask for (footrubs – yes, doing your share of the parenting – no) and feeling like a nag when I do. My husband is very good at listening when I ask for things explicitly, so maybe it is only fair to do so.
But hopefully my son will grow up expecting to share in parenting tasks equally with his future partner. I was reading a blog entry by Sparx the other day about her son wanting to play with a little girl’s toy stroller at the park and they bought him a lawn mower instead! Maybe if we give our sons dolls and toy strollers instead of “gender appropriate” toys, the future mothers of their children won’t have to ask them to change their kids’ diapers before going out to dinner.
Melissa, I totally feel for you — I could’ve written your post myself! Here’s the thing…men don’t think like us. You DO have to ask him to help when you want it. It’s not fair, it makes YOU feel like you’re a nag, but it’s just the way it is. I was very passive-aggressive about asking Hubby for help on the weekends with Bear, and I have FINALLY started listening to him (since he has said it over and over) when he says, “Just tell me what you want me to do!”
So, I do. And while I wish I didn’t have to, at least the things that I need done are getting done.
I go through the same thing at my home so I totally know what you mean. I even posted something about it a couple of weeks ago and thought about the topic again today. When I do get a chance to get out of the house the instant my foot lands back in our home I get baby duty…..sigh…….I really don’t know a solutions to this. But I think your readers have some insightful comments…it must be a guy thing……. and ask for help, I know that’s what I have to do. I liked the note from a knowing dad
When Erick and I move, I always have an extremely difficult time dealing with him. He just can’t do anything right. I know you love Colin to pieces and, really, you have every right to expect a bit more right around a move. Are you going to get more? Eh, probably not.
I hope that Colin gives you a wonderful day to yourself very, very soon!!
Oh this must be a guy thing…My husband is so wonderful at helping but only if I ask. Sometimes I just wish he’s read my mind and jump in. I have finally given up hoping that he will just help and now I ask him to do probably too much…I know this must be a common theme among households everywhere.
Dear Melissa, her readers and my wife,
There are days when I attempt to help with the kids and the household that my wife thinks I am telling her she cannot handle being a mom or wife and partner.
I chip in and something inside her triggers, a feeling that I am saying she is not good enough. That she is slacking.
Then there are days when I get the shoe thrown at me for not making or doing something that I did not know I needed to do.
Guidelines would be great, communication would be better.
Why do I need to wait days before you can come to me with what has been bothering you.
I am eager and yearn to understand what is on your mind.
Just tell me. I am a great husband, I love you and want you.
Sometimes I just need to be asked what to do. I don’t know why, it just is.
It might be that I am at work during the day, working on projects, and when I get home I don’t switch gears so quickly.
I am still in a mode, but you are already there. You live it.
Schedules, routines, all things you and the kids are on.
I love you, now just tell me what you need, when.
A few things…
Just two short years ago (maybe a little more than that, but you get the idea), I was the “working” parent and my DH was at home with DD1. I was in sales and traveled a lot. When I came home from trips I was exhausted, yet somehow I was always able to perk up enough to spend that time with DD because #1 she missed me and I missed her and its SUCH a great feeling to see you child when you’ve been apart and #2 to give DH a break because I knew it is hard to be two parents when I am gone.
Now my DH has his own business and travels once or twice a month, usually Thursday through Monday. It is even harder than my trips because that means I get no weekend “break” of having him around to help for two weeks or more. On top of that, he seems to feel that it is okay for him to collapse on the floor while the girls play around him as a form of reconnecting with him. And then they get upset and start screaming and the man doesn’t hear a sound. How he does that when I can hear them sneeze down the hall, through two doors with a TV on is beyond me!
Anyway, after countless arguments, mountains of resentment and general frustration I think I finally get it. Men are just not wired to be caretakers. It isn’t in their biology. They might be really good with kids, but they lack the instinct to “jump in”. They sleep because nothing is telling them that it is not okay to sleep.
Realizing this doesn’t take away the anger, but it does help to put it into perspective. I’m glad you vented!
You know, it’s true that 2008 is not the 1950’s like Liz says and yet, men sometimes being oblivious to certain household and child-related musts is an ageless kind of thing. I myself prefer to practice a very loud and very vocal demand for help. I’d rather give my husband a piece of my mind rather than wait for him to read it if you know what I mean. So far, so good. The approach works. And Melissa, ABSOLUTELY go ahead and vent, I think venting is healthy. Clears the head, clears the sinuses and re-energizes the mind. Venting is also an ageless practice us females need.
Because communication is what makes any relationship work. If we “assume” that the other person ’should know better’, we are doomed for failure.
I’m with the other moms. When your hubby is gone on the road, it’s exhausting for you, too. You have no one to help you all day or night with the little ones. You are incredible for giving him that day of rest when I’m sure you need one, too.
As for Bob’s comment – this is the thing that drives us moms crazy. Why should we have to ask for a hand? It implies that childcare is the mom’s job and dads are just around to help out when needed. Why isn’t dad the default when he’s home, only getting help from mom when he needs a hand? Dads are perfectly capable of recognizing that a diaper needs changing, a child needs to be dressed or fed, etc. So step up and do it without having to be asked. It’s not the 1950’s anymore.
You mention that it is normal for him to rest that day….and that you don’t expect him to read your mind…but you are upset that he didn’t read your mind on this one day when you were stressed out…As for him lending a hand once in awhile, I’m sure that if you asked him to he likely would.
Maybe you could try making a deal for a day for you. Like the day after the day after (lol) he returns is your day to recoup and relax. Then it would be fair and he’d see what you do each day, and probably feel your pain.
All the best,
Bionic Beauty
I am right with you! Yesterday I was FURIOUS.
My husband is very busy this time of year with his high school coaching responsibilities. This weekend was their big district meet. He was pretty much gone for 2 days. So I got out yesterday morning to just do a little shopping, have some quiet time by myself. Until I got home.
Two kids were screaming, fighting and crying (he was on the phone chit chatting about nothing important). None of the kids had eaten lunch (it was 1:30), no one was dressed, it was past my youngest’s nap time, NOTHING was picked up or cleaned up. It was like everything was on hold until I got home. I walked in the door and was literally pounced on by the kids crying about anything and everything. I dropped by bags, fed them lunch, got them dressed, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned up the family room, put the groceries away. And during the entire process I was ready to rip my husband’s head off. Actually, I did. “What the HELL did you do when I was gone?”
Men.
Wow. This could’ve been written by me. Right down to the “that on the day he returns from a show he gets to rest.” My husband just returned from a show he worked at and he pretty much slept all day yesterday. Fine, no problem, he was exhausted.
Then he slept again all this morning – till noon! And I’m like, wait a minute, where’s my break? I’ve been exhausted taking care of three kids while you’ve been gone for two weeks…
I’m right there with you. Thank you for letting me vent as well. LOL