Hmm. I don’t think I should have used the word “sitter” to describe the girl who watched my daughters. It may have been misleading. She was a “mother’s helper.” She came in twice a week, five hours at a time, to help out. So for those of you who were wondering, “why doesn’t she just not call her again?” It wasn’t that easy. I actually had to tell her that we wouldn’t be needing her services any longer. Phew. That was tough. I don’t ever want to hurt someone’s feelings, so in the end I just went with some vague excuse.
My instincts are generally spot on. I can size someone up fairly quickly. But I also have somewhat of a bleeding heart. This girl… to say she’s had a tough life would be an understatement. But I didn’t know this until she was working for me. Until Pea had fallen in love with her. The things I knew were that she was the oldest of a bunch of siblings. Was putting herself through college. Had good references. And she loved kids. What more could I have asked for? We had a cursory background check done on her, via the agency we used to find her. And it was all good. So she got the job.
But the awkwardness that was yesterday really did come out of no where. In addition to what I mentioned in yesterday’s post, she also suddenly felt the urge to divulge a lot of her family history that I, for one, would not have told someone that I worked for. Someone to whom I was beholden for my paycheck. But I just assumed she needed someone to talk to? People love to talk to me. I’m a great listener.
But the real last straw was that strange comment to Pea about her humid breath. I don’t even know what that means. But I knew I didn’t like it. So… I called my husband after she left. Gave him all of the unsettling details of our day together. And he said, “she’s out.” Sure, easy for him to say. He didn’t have to do it. I did. And another thing? His policy is that honesty is the best policy. So, according to him, I should tell her “you are out because you are an odd conversationalist and you insulted my daughter’s breath.” Huh.
In the end, I simply said that we needed more of a commitment. And she was very understanding. She sent me a nice follow-up email that she adored my family and that she would indeed miss Pea. I started to feel guilty. Until I realized that in the entire email, she never made mention of my other daughter. You know, Coco? So… not feeling so guilty any more.
And for now? No more mother’s helpers. Or nannies. It’s not for me, at least not right now. It’s the most agonizing thing to do, find what is essentially a stranger who you are then going to hand your children over to. In our situation? We don’t need one. It’s a luxury. For me. Yes, I am a stay-at-home mom. But I like to be able to get out of the house by myself once in a while. I make no apologies for that. But Pea? She is off to summer camp shortly and then after that, she is in preschool. And Coco? She is close on Pea’s heels. I’ll get my time then. But this situation? It made me think. A lot. About who I am entrusting my babies to. And I suddenly feel extremely protective over them. Who knows? I may change my mind. But for now? We are content as is.
So, I’m good. Happy, as always, to be home with my girls. Oh, and the money that we will be saving during the week? That just means more date-night dinners out with my husband. Because my nighttime sitters? They rock.
So, after taking a few deep breaths that this is all behind me, and thanking you for your thoughtful comments which helped me realize what I needed to do, I am off to the “big park” with my girls. It’s a lovely day here, warm and sunny. We’ll be taking some water bottles and this trail mix which I am addicted to. It has chocolate and ginger in it. Two perfect foods. I don’t know how it keeps ending up in my pantry. I swear, I don’t. I refuse to buy it. It’s not appropriate to eat an entire bag in one sitting! It’s just not. And yet, every time I open my pantry, there it is. I suspect my husband…
comments
Sounds like you made a good choice for you and your family. I would have felt the same way.
Glad this all worked out for you & the kiddies! I have a hard time letting anyone but family watch my kids, and I can’t abuse that too much.
p.s.
Melissa~
I also went through a similar situation with a mother’s helper, but after I let her go, I had a giant pity party for myself. And that led to feeling the world on my shoulders, how would I manage…yada yada…
You are so cool to look at the bright side, focus on the positives and find a park with the girls and chocolate!
Thank you for pick me up mentality!
Madison
Melissa,
I love the follow up post. You sound very sensitive to someone who is helping you, but still firm that your girls come first.
To the quote from the former nanny, I appreciate you playing the other side and the what ifs, but also as a nanny, you’ve got to read the papers and listen to the media. Oprah? All it takes is one frustrated moment and children can be permanently harmed. I applaud that you feel strongly as you are probably one who does not want a few bad apples to ruin the barrel.
Back to Melissa, I still think you are right on. With the mother’s helper. I am sorry for her plight but we have to be mothers first, not counselors to helpers until they work through their issues.
Madison
I just wanted to say that based off your comment with your gut instinct, I am so happy you stopped, listened, and took action. I think often we do not do that enough in our lives so-good work! Just wasn’t a good match! And the girls thank you too:)
I have to agree with you on this one you must go with your gut I know the girl is human and we should remember that but not when it comes to our children maybe if she was only doing housecleaning and said something off you could speak to her but not with your children. If we dont follow our gut and something really bad happens we will never forgive ourselves.My children are all grown up now but when they were little I had a girl babysit them twice I came home one day and had a bad feeling I dont know what it was I just felt uneasy so I let her go that night, My husband was so mad at me because it left us in a bad way for 2 weeks until I found someone else, Well a year later I read a story in the local paper that she was arrested for smacking a baby in the face so hard that the little one lost her hearing.
My heart sank I was so shocked I showed my husband that night and he felt bad for not trusting me and my gut feelings.So I say to you my dear M” lissa you did the right thing no matter what anyone says it is your children and if she had the nerve to say that to your daughter in front of you than God only knows what she would say when you are not their.Your girls are beaitiful and God gave them to you to guide and love and to protect you did the right thing. Your friend in Florida Debbie
I agree with the sitter thing…but do they seriously have summer camp for 3 year olds? Maybe I misread.
Yea, I agree with all of the other posters.. but the one. That gut feeling, you go with it. You don’t owe anyone any explanations. You didn’t feel right about, and that’s it. And what if you kept her on and something DID happen?? You would feel horrible. Not worth the risk. When it comes to your girls, better to over react than to do nothing. That girl and her family life is not your responsibility. You can wish her the best, but if you felt slightly uncomfortable… yea.. you did the right thing!!! I’d have done the same thing and handled it in the same way.
Melissa, contrary to the other comment, THE most important statement is that you trusted your gut. “Classist prejudices?” That’s just absurd. I really think she’s making it something it’s not. You did the right thing and it was a call that NOBODY could make but you and your husband.
I call it the “Mother Bear Instinct.” We as mothers are given this instinct and we should not under any circumstances ignore it. Mother bears don’t think twice about getting rid of somebody who threatens the safety of her cubs and we shouldn’t either.
My oldest was only 14 months old when my twins were born and I did employ a mother’s helper. I never left her alone with the kids, her job was strictly housework and accompanying me on errands to help with the kids. She was a kooky weirdo but she was indispensable to me at the time. Before her, I interviewed gobs of people and what they say is true, good help IS hard to find! Good luck! And again, you did the right thing!
I know I already commented on this one, but I saw the comments following mine, and felt a strong desire to post again with a renewal of my agreement with Milena’s follow up comment. In my opinion, you did the right thing, and Milena is right on target.
In spite of the one differing opinion here stated, I myself believe you have done the correct thing. I also think you handled the letting go with kindness and concern for your erstwhile sitter’s feelings. I see no elitism in your description of what took place Melissa. In the end, that which rules the day is your instincts as a mother. If you do not feel comfortable then, THAT IS THAT. Don’t give it another thought. No harm done to anyone and the matter is closed.
You want your sitters to feel comfortable talking to you, yet you didn’t talk to her when you had a concern?
I’m sorry, I know you’re a great mom, but this just sounds like terrible behavior on your part. You have no idea what was going on in the girl’s head and just made assumptions, not only about her words and actions, but then about her whole “troubled” life, and who she should and should not tell.
The key words, really, were “Pea loved her.” Pea loved her. Is it possible that you felt she was too close to your daughter? Is it possible that you were jealous? That’s not unusual for moms to feel that way, but a little self-awareness goes a long way.
However, instead of being up-front and honest with this girl — who is, as you say, putting herself through college — you chose to think only the worst of her (what? she doesn’t speak six languages? she comes from a less than elitist background? oh my, she must be dirt!), and then engaged your husband in your fantasy of her as evil-doer.
Pea loved her. They had active fun together. So, she read a newspaper. She hogged a desert. She asked Pea not to breathe hot breath on her. Wow. She’s human. So are you. And you should have dealt with her as such, and not let your classist prejudices interfere with an honest appraisal of the situation.
As a former nanny of six years, and one who then managed a nanny service for over a decade,I am not surprised, but I am always astonished by mothers who build themselves up as wonderful, warm employers, but then turn around and give someone else’s child the boot. College-age is young, impressionable, and believe it or not, regardless of class, capable of feeling every bit as much as you do.
I agree w/ Jaina. I work outside the home and one of the main reasons we could consider having a 2nd baby is that we have a childcare provider who is like family, but before her we had someone horrible and I was a mess the month that Xander was there. We do really have to trust our guts as mommies…we really do know best!
Good for you. I can imagine how hard that was. But I’m glad you did what was best for your family.