My mother-in-law once told me, during a rather heated discussion on organized religion, that if I “didn’t stand for something, I’d fall for anything.”
She was implying that I was a heathen, apt to be led down the “wrong” path, because I did not have religion in my life. Believe me, I know this is what she meant. We’ve been down this road before. Many, many times, in fact. And now that I have two children, it’s a topic that comes up more than I’d like it to. Religion is a personal matter, deeply personal. And while I always invite other’s ideas and views, I do not want to be browbeat. You will not convert me. You will not make me apologize for who I am. It just cannot be done.
I am at a religious standstill. I think that’s the best way to describe where I am. And I’ve been here for a long time, but I don’t believe that it’s permanent. At least I hope that it’s not. And although I may never come around to the idea of organized religion, if my children should choose to do so? I will foster that curiosity to the best of my capabilities. When they question me, which I’m sure they will, I will be honest and forthright but not judgmental. They are, in the end, their own little people. And I hope that however this turns out in the end, that we all did our best to support one another and learn from one another and grow with one another. I know that they will teach me just as I teach them.
And so, all of that being said, I am immensely frustrated right now. With my mother-in-law. Nice cliche, right? Daughter-in-law vs. mother-in-law? But really, she knows where I stand on organized religion: raised a Jew, but disinterested in practicing religion in a traditional sense.
So this has set the tone for our relationship, this obvious disappointment in my choices. There’s some judgment in there, too. I feel it. On both of our behalves. But I know she loves my girls deeply. And I am so grateful that they have her as their grandmother.
But… they are my children. And while I know that she thinks I’m a good mother, I also know that she is deeply disappointed with my position on religion. She is a devout Christian. And while I admire her convictions, I’m not there. I don’t know if I will ever be there. And right now? I’m feeling more resistant than normal. I’m bothered by a book that she gave Pea. It seemed an innocuous enough book. A story about a boy and his birthday party. We were reading it before bed. And towards the end, it happened. Jesus. There he was. Watching over this little child, just as he does all the other little children. And yes, that’s harmless. I know that. But the tone of the remainder of the book was completely changed for me. And I could feel the blood rising to my face. And for the last few pages, I pronounced his name as they do in Spanish. And my daughter said, “who is that?” And I explained that he was a very smart guy from the neighborhood who kind of knows what’s going on with all of his neighbors. Chuckle all you like, admonish me if you must. But remember, I am Jewish.
Pea has been given religious books before. At her birth, she was given a small, pink copy of “The New Testament” that she keeps in her nightstand. And someone else on my husband’s side of the family gave her a children’s bible, which we read until it fell apart. So it’s not the book, per se, that I take issue with. These other books? Were given to Pea by people who did not know that I was not a Christian. They made assumptions, it was all very innocent, no hidden agenda there. But my mother-in-law? She knows. She knows where I stand on this. She knows that I am Jewish.
Am I overreacting? My husband seems to think so. I asked him last night to send his mother a short email, telling her that the book was, in my opinion, inappropriate. And he declined to do so. Told me that he is a Christian (albeit not a practicing one), so why can’t his daughter have this book? Which, sure, I get that. A credible response. But it’s not like I’ve been showering the girls with books about my own religion. I’m still so up in the air about it all. Christianity? Judaism? So, for me, and I thought for my husband, we were hand’s off of the religious talk, for now. It wasn’t ever intended to be a forever thing, just a now thing. Until we have a meeting of the minds and decide where we are going to go from here.
So, he’s not sending the email. I’m donating the book. And wondering how I can, very gracefully, set a boundary with my mother-in-law about this topic. And once again, my husband and I will fall into old patterns and not discuss religion, and our goals surrounding it, for our family. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s too loaded a subject? Perhaps it’s fear, on both of our parts, that each will be disappointed? Forced into something we don’t feel innately? Who knows. I know we are not the only couple out there, raising a family, who come from such different religious backgrounds, right? How do you make it work? How do you avoid resentments? Who decides how the children are raised? Do you pick one religion, and focus on that? Or do you practice both religions? How do you reach a peaceful middle ground?
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About your mother-in-law’s “stand for something or fall for something” charge, it’s quite obvious that you stand for a lot of things. Willingness to listen to other’s opinions without denying your own deeply held beliefs. Willingness to foster curiosity in kids–how all too rare that is in our world!–and to realize that they are “their own little people.” Being “honest and forthright but not judgemental.” Quite honestly, these are characteristics that religion at its best should install in people. But it’s no secret that organized religion often acts the opposite way. So I think you are quite right to think carefully before letting yourself be swayed in any direction.
How about just continuing to give your kids exposure to different religions? Being like, this is what mommy believes. This is what grandma believes. This is what the little kid in India believes. Let your Mother-in-law see Christian books on a shelf alongside a long list of other classics. I do agree that some of the “Jesus” books seem unnecessarily polarizing.
In the end, I think it is already evident that your kids are growing up with the enormous advantage of tolerance, intelligence, and open-mindedness in an all-too-often intolerant and dogmatic world.
Well, post about religion and you’re bound to stir up the comments!
We should talk. My parents chose not to raise me with any overt religion, though we had a XMas tree and Easter baskets. I was not baptized, We did not attend any church. Then I grew up and chose my own religion. Yep, I converted to Judaism. I don’t consider myself terribly religious, but then I think about choices we make and realize that I probably seem religious to some.
Anyway, my advice is to pick one way to raise your kids but to expose them to other ways of thinking and believing. We take my son to XMas eve services with my parents, who have been going to church since I went to college. We don’t do Christian stuff in our house, but I think it’s important for him to see other ways of believing and doing things.
Just my 2 cents. – Jen
you may say you don’t feel judgmental about organized religion, but you obviously do, and although you may say you are not teaching your girls about religion for now, you obviously are. so just accept that you are teaching them to be moralistic without being devout and do not believe in Jesus. You do have strong beliefs or you wouldn’t care.
I am sorry you are going through this with your MIL. How frustrated you must be. I would feel the same way. They are YOUR children and you and your husband should make these decisions. Relatives should respect your wishes. My cousin who practices a different faith than I, hoped and hoped I would understand her way – especially back when I was at a religious standstill myself. Finally I just told her (rather bluntly) that I was thankful we could still be close while still having such different beliefs. It seemed to work and she hasn’t mentioned it since, although we still get the occasional “book” you refer to…Goodwill likes us.
Holy cow! So many comments! Hate to leave one more novel…..but not that much.
I did not read anyone else’s comments so this is just purely in response to your post.
My husband and I are both from different religious backgrounds…albiet denominational vs. non-denominational. (tiny laugh on my part) We both came to a compromise before we had kids (got preggers on the honeymoon, had to discuss these things quickly) and agreed to do some things from his religion, some things from mine. I don’t know what would be the best compromise for your family, other than maybe you are living the best compromise.
In your post you said you would foster your children’s curiosity to the best of your ability…something like this….I think it might be okay if they are getting books from your mom-in-law, as long as you give little books from your point of view, or even from the world’s point of view. I just think your girls are at a young enough age that if you want them to get the whole picture and the picture of why you are who you are and ‘dad’ is who he is, then now may be the time to feed their curiosity, instead of when their fourteen and come home with a nose piercing and read about religion from a pamplet the guy at the half-price-we-stick-it-where-u-want-it gave them to bite down on…..the last little bit is probably more my deep seated fear than yours. (not so tiny laugh on my part)
Dear, dear, dear Melissa…
Your blog is so heartfelt and thoughtful. What a lot of feedback you’ve received as well…wow! It can be painful when our parents or in-laws are in any way disrespectful of our parenting preferences.
I’ve dealt with a similar situation with my MIL and I really sympathize. My son received the board book at Easter which included a page about the bad men who killed Jesus from my dear, deranged MIL. We ditched that one (I mean, how is that appropriate for a toddler?), but kept the two children’s bibles she gave us and he can check them out whenever he likes. So far, he hasn’t taken an interest.
My husband and I are of the spiritual-but-not-into-organized-religion ilk. We belong to a church, but it is more my thing (I was in the choir there during college) and my husband is supportive and likes it. It is an extremely progressive Methodist church, Glide Memorial Methodist Church. The services are sprinkled with some Jesus stuff, but there’s no cross in the church and it is primarily focused on doing social justice, good works and community…with lots of amazing, joyful gospel music. If you saw “The Pursuit of Happyness” with Will Smith, that’s my church. Anyway, everyone is welcome, no matter what their race, sexual orientation, class, etc. The church can’t host same-sex unions yet, but the ministers will do them outside of the church. The services also frequently refer to God in both male and female forms and it’s just a great, mind-expanding way of celebrating life. Most importantly, it’s in alignment with our values. We have a fairly traditional marriage, but we love our gay friends and our friends of color and we are pretty left of left. Unfortunately, we only attend about 3-4 times a year as it is about 40 miles from our home.
When we had our son, we agreed that we were going to be available to answer any question we could or to help him find his own answers. We feel like it is important for him to know about the world and that includes religion, but at 2, he is a bit young to have it introduced to him beyond the golden rule (which my husband claims as his religion).
I wanted to have some sort of event, basically thanking God (the universe, whatever) for blessing me with my boy. So, when he was 9 months old, we had him baptized at Glide. I wanted to celebrate him and welcome him to be a part of a loving spiritual community…and my husband was fully on board. But that was it. Our church does a very brief blessing. We had a party afterward and he got a few cross-oriented gifts, but nothing outrageous.
The point of my telling you all of this is that when we sent out the invites to the baptism, we reached a turning point with my MIL. She called my husband and said, she “knew all about that church and someone in [my] family must be gay, otherwise why we would we have the baptism at that church?” He told her that she didn’t have to come and she proceeded to tell him that he “needed to get control of his family.” (!) At which point he asked her not to come. Then she emailed me and said she was coming, so I had to put my foot down and lay down the law and set my boundaries. In a nutshell, I told her that if she was going to join us I expected her to behave graciously and accept that if she wants to be a part of our celebrations and special events, she must respectfully tolerate people who are different than her and maybe even some people that she doesn’t like. Well, she only came to the reception and she was positively pouty and vile there (glaring at my lesbian friend and her partner, even), but she kept her mouth shut and has been fairly well-behaved since then (not that we don’t have to keep her on a short leash, ’cause we do).
Now, your MIL doesn’t sound as evil as mine, but I encourage you to set your boundaries and tell her what you “stand for”. And I encourage you to try again to bring this off the shelf with your husband. Not just for the kids, but for your marriage. If you don’t stand for Jesus books for your kids, then be forthcoming. It seems like you have your own strong values and that you are being challenged to be clear about them and stand up for them. You can do it!
Lots of love and luck to you, ~M
Just wanted to throw in my comment for support: I do not think you are overreacting. This issue is important to you, and I think it is natural to be angry when people do not respect your wishes regarding your children.
Also I am wondering if there is some kind of religion education in the school where Pea goes.
No advice here…just a little story. Growing up my parents were Jehovah’s Witnesses, very strict. I have been an atheist for about 5 years now. We DO NOT agree on anything that has to do with organized religion. When my son was born (out of wedlock at the time) all of us had to make a big decision. My lifestyle was very against their beliefs and their religion was very against mine. We love each other very much and they have a great relationship with their grandson, my husband and myself. The compromise was to leave religion totally out of the picture. They don’t push any of their beliefs on my son or take him to church with them and I try not to push evolution on them (too much)! This compromise was pretty hard for awhile since it is their religions work to be “fishers of men” and it is my belief to love,live and let live. But the nonjudgemental parts of us seem to be shining through because it means a happier family all around…and a happier kid! You have the right idea, just go with your heart.
Melissa,
I read and re-read today’s entry and decided to throw in my thoughts.
You were raised Jewish and your Husband some form of Christianity. From what I summarize from reading you this year, you want your girls to grow up well rounded and knowledgeable. Your mother-in-law gave your daughter a book that has a hint of Jesus in it, so buy your daughter a book that has a hint of Judaism, a hint of Allah, a hint of Buddha, all the above.
I feel the underlinings of anger that you have toward your MIL, something that we all seem to have towards our MILs, so this has got to be deeper than just Jesus. Anyway, this is the perfect opportunity to introduce your daughter to the world’s religions in a way that she can start to understand. In doing so, you too will learn about the world’s religions and begin to see what feels right for you.
This stuff is world history and judging from the current world conflicts is way bigger than Melissa the Mouth vs. the Mother-in-law.
So embrace the Jesus book along with the other religious children books that you find and share with us.
Hold a satyr for your family, we know you do Christmas, so teach your family what Judaism is all about. If you are not sure, find out, share it. From what I read about your husband,I am sure he would love to learn from you and share in the teachings.
Heck, you live in a Mormon state, there is a lot of Jesus there. Good luck hiding him from your daughters.
Best let them know who he is now.
Good luck and keep posting.
I stumbled on your website just now and read this post. As a lapsed Atheist, from a family consisting of lapsed Christians and Jews, I’ve been living this conflict for a long time. My recently acquired mother in law has also taken it upon herself to push her beliefs on me (I think mostly because she wants her son to come back to the church) and I have attempted to have an open discourse with her about my spiritual path, and about the importance of mutual respect for each other’s beliefs. But since I’m not a Catholic or Christian, and most likely never will be, it doesn’t really matter to her that I do believe in God, because in her eyes it’s not her God.
My point is, I agree with you that spirituality is deeply personal, and is a topic that should only be broached by invitation. And your children will find their own path as they mature. Despite my parents’ strongly humanist beliefs, I eventually found my own connection to Spirit. My husband found his own as well, in spite of years of indoctrination. I do not agree that we are obligated to indoctrinate our children for their own good. I believe that the best thing we can do for them is be honest about our own beliefs and live as authentically as possible.
Just a response to Skip. I was raised Catholic and know many people raised Catholic who as adults practice no religion. I have a hard time believing it is much more prevalent among people raised in mixed-religious homes. I suspect it has more to do with the faith of the parents. If you drag your kids to church and/or synagogue out of duty, it probably won’t stick.
BTW, I was considering converting to Judaism a few years ago and the rabbis I talked to were not in favor of raising kids both Jewish and Christian. In fact, they felt it was better to just raise the kids Christian than to do both. Not saying I agree, but thought it was an interesting position.
You are going to get a lot of comments on this post…
Wow. Imagine how it would be if you went in a completely different direction – Hindu or Buddhist!! At least you can take comfort in the relative closeness of Judaism and Christianity.
I’m not going to give you any religious advice here, I think there’s been plenty of that already and no matter how many times someone says, “I’m not telling you what to do,” they almost always are. All I will say is that I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment about your girls being little people, with minds all of their own. But I disagree with what someone else said about it being your responsibility to teach your kids about God. I would phrase that differently and say that it’s your responsibility to answer any questions they ask and provide them with the freedom and resources to investigate those questions and finally support whatever decision they make. I know too many people who have grown up to believe the exact opposite of what their parents taught them about faith. True faith will find its way. Every time. And that is true for yourself as well, not just for the little ones.
As far as your husband goes…you say you are going to shelve the conversation again until something forces it. Well, what if THIS is that something? Perhaps you shouldn’t wait for a death or disaster to finally lay it all on the table with each other. Perhaps this – this seemingly tiny instance – is exactly what you have been waiting for. It’s scary but you will absolutely live to tell the tale and probably feel a lot better about it once it’s done.
The mother in law stuff can come later. Just do what you need to for now and let that run its course. She seems to think you are in a state of religious flux, judging from her comment about how you must believe in something or else you’ll fall for anything. Maybe she is just waiting for some clarity from you. A strong statement that you DO have firm beliefs and they are not fluctuating or wavering anymore. And maybe not. I don’t know her so I can’t say. But your relationship with your husband is too important to sweep anything under the rug.
Best wishes on this! I’ve been there girl and I hope it works out as well for you as it did for me. Much love and peace….
I wish I had great advice like everyone else to give you, but I honestly don’t really know what to say. I would urge you to step over the comfort boundary and start talking with your husband about religion, just so that you can get onto the same page..not necessarily choosing Judaism or Christianity, but more a decision on how things will be addressed.
As for your mother-in-law, I can sort of see her being concerned about the presence of spiritual direction for her grandchildren, and would like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she gave the book with her thoughts on Pea, not trying to undermine you. But I don’t know her, so I really can’t make that call. I do agree that while it may not be inappropriate, it was definitely in poor judgment. She may disagree with you all day about religion, but at the end of the day, she needs to respect your beliefs and feelings. Maybe there’s someway you can calmly talk to her (face to face of course) and thank her for her concern and interest, you appreciate her beliefs and convictions, but that you are feeling uncomfortable with the whole thing, and would really appreciate it if she would just leave the religion topic alone and allow you to discover it for yourself. Maybe ask if she would mind discussing things or answering questions if and when you have them. Don’t completely shut her down, but gently turn it down, and leave a possible door for her to voice an opinion when it’s appropriate. You can even reference the book, and say you felt uncomfortable with it because of your previous discussions and disagreements on the subject. You appreciate the gift, and while you’re sure she gave it with good intentions, it made you uncomfortable and perhaps in the future she could either talk to you about it first, or select a different kind of gift.
If you do talk to her, just be sure to you a lot of “I” statements, keep her off the defensive…and try to talk calmly and quietly, it will show her you’ve thought about it, and you want to talk about it, but not argue or point fingers, and you aren’t telling her not to pull away, but rather to give you space on such a personal issue.
Umm…so that turned out way longer than I expected. I hope everything works out. And I don’t think you’re overreacting, just don’t let HER see that.
Hi Melissa – I believe that you do need to figure this religious thing out for you & your family and soon. It is up to you and your husband to teach your children about God!
My husband and I were struggling with finding a church….we were both raised Catholic but didn’t agree with their teachings. So for six months we tried different churches, places of worship, etc. It was hard because we had to be very open-minded to all kinds of different teachings. It also involved a lot of research on our part to be able to understand the differences. Finally we found a place that fit both of us. It is a nondenominational church that is based on teachings directly from the bible. Finally we found our place! Somewhere where we wanted our daughter to grow up!!!
In fact, we just had our daughter’s dedication service and here are the promises we vowed to keep:
1.I promise to raise my child in a loving Christian environment.
2.I acknowledge that my child is a gift from God on loan to me.
3.I commit to reading God’s Word so that I’m filled with Gods knowledge for my child.
4.I commit to telling my child of God’s love for us; of His gift of everlasting life through His Son Jesus Christ; and that His promises never leave us.
5.I will pray for and with my child. I will teach my child to pray by example.
6.I understand that God has created my child for a specific purpose in life and that it is my responsibility to help my child discover his/her purpose.
7.I will commit to doing all that I can to support my child in his/her spiritual growth at home; at church; and in the world.
You may not agree with what we promised to but please think about it. It is your responsibility to teach your children about God!!! Once they are old enough then they can choose but at least you have taught them the basic thruths.
About your mother-in-law….please understand that it is her job as a Christian to teach people about God & Jesus. She is only doing what is right to her – I don’t think she was trying to offend you in anyway. She just wants her grandchildren to know Jesus. Think about it this way…what if you were the grandmother, wouldn’t you want your grandkids to know about Judaism. And about the book….well to be honest…what is wrong with reading a book with Jesus in it? I understand that your faith does not believe that he is the Messiah but if you want that middle ground you should teach both sides.
I hope I didn’t offend you! I just found your blog and this was the first thing I read. I felt I needed to share my thoughts.
God Bless!
Meredith
I love your blog, your advise, your everyday attitude toward life. I will not tell you what I think you should do or anything like that BUT I can share MY experience with religion and the world around me and my kids.
I was born to a non practicing Baptist and a non practicing Catholic. They chose not to give me any spiritual guidance and my mother often still feels her “intelligence” did not allow her to “believe” in anything besides I could choose when I was grown. I struggled through my teens because in my heart I knew I came from somewhere, was going somewhere and was here for a purpose. I “sampled” all religions, my heart lead me to become Catholic. My husband is also and I feel for MYSELF a sense of completeness. I will support my kids if they chose another religion but I feel it is my responsibilty to give them a spirirtual foundation. I resent my parents for not giving me either or both religions. Leaving me to decide on my own not to even have their opinion. Without an identity (or two).My Mother does not discuss her views in front of the kids because she understands that I see that as undermining their foundation.
I am only telling you this because if your children chose to be Christian and worship Jesus or Judiasm or any other religion you really can’t really be anything but supportive right? Promise me you will be no matter what they choose? PS Jesus teaches us to above all love one another. So seeing his name in a book really shouldn’t revolt you just as your husband shouldn’t be upset if you read about Hanukkah. Plus you are married to each other so you must have tolerance of each others Faith background.
Boy what now Melissa, Politics. (Insert laugh here) ;0)
Melissa: I won’t rehash what you already know about my background as the circumstances I once explained to you remain in vogue to this day. I also don’t envision any change whatsoever to our own status quo though I wouldn’t call this situation a standstill. Our deliberate choices to allow the maximum space for religious liberalism in this, our two religion household, seems very akin to what you and your husband practice. While you might not term it as such, even in the midst of this seeming non-practicing, you ARE indeed practicing something – I like to think of it as the religion of openness, a daily exercise in tolerance and respect. To me those seem about the three founding precepts of anything I’d want my child to ever believe in. The rest is dogmatic cherry on the top.
I know it will all continue to bother you not matter what we all say or think but in my view, and this is my personal opinion mind you, the best way to deal with the whole situation is to just ignore it. From now on, just check any literature that comes via your MIL’s way and should there be a repeat of the offending issue, do what you are planning to do now. Donate. Don’t say a word to your husband in aggravation over the matter or to your mother on how it is a disrespect to you. SHE might have a hidden agenda that’s true, but it is not one you necessarily have to acknowledge or follow.
The husband also cannot be put in a position where he is forced to reprimand his mother on this issue. You rightly observed that his answer was “why? what’s wrong with it? That’s how I grew up and there is nothing to be concerned about.” He’s right. He did grow up that way and yet, you have someone who is apparently vastly different from his devout mother. He has at least learned or chosen not to push which is a form of tolerance that your MIA has quite plainly not mastered. At some point though, you will be forced to a larger, more semantic confrontation. I do not doubt that this unpleasant moment will come for you. When that time comes, hold your position, keep your cool, stress what you so irrevocably know: These are YOUR girls not HERS. You would do the same reaffirmation of your parental rights for any issue other than religion wouldn’t you? Well, it’s the same kind of thing. She does not have the right to choose what is the way you raise your daughters. Only you and the husband can decide that. Someday, you will have the conversation you fear with him also. Like Robyn hinted at, the worry over it might be all grander and more worrisome than the actual moment of reckoning. In the end, the situation stands as follows: The grandmother can suggest or try to steer, you can veto or stop altogether. This is your right.
Melissa,
Found your blog in my search to find other blogging parents (I’m a stay at home Dad). I also found it interesting.
This issue of religion in the home, especially when parents don’t agree is extremely tough. In our home, we happen to both be on the same page, so I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like.
I also happen to agree with your first commenter, who said “I have a friend who was raised 1/2 Jewish and 1/2 Catholic. As an adult she says she ended up choosing nothing.” Many of my friends who come from “mixed religion” homes share the same frustration. They end up walking away from ANY kind of faith. I wonder if because matters of faith are deeply personal (as you stated), sometimes we squash the idea of having any faith for fear that our kids will choose something we don’t happen to agree with?
What would happen if we really let our child choose? What does that look like anyway? Does it mean that we expose them to all different kinds of religions like some kind of spiritual buffet? I wonder if it means that we should allow people we trust (including us) to speak to them about what THEY believe?
What makes things even more confusing (in my opinion) is what happens if we try and simply teach “religious tolerance”. The problem with tolerance is that it means respecting the practices of other religions. Part of your MIL’s religious “practice” is to proselytize. It’s hard not to get upset when people proselytize if we’re also supposed to be “tolerant” of their religious practices.
Ugh…
I don’t envy you one bit, but I will pray for you.
I don’t think it is harmless and I would have had the same strong reaction you did in that situation. If it had been God watching over the little boy that would have been different. It seems to me that Jews and Christians have God in common, not Jesus, so why can’t your Christian MIL reinfoce what you have in common instead of trying to push Jesus on you? It seems to me that that would be the Christian thing to do, rather than her passive agressive gesture. It’s really unfair to put you in that situation – having your 3 year old daughter asking you who Jesus is when you aren’t ready to discuss it.
Maybe instead of telling his mother that it was inappropriate, he could find a way to diplomatically steer her towards religious books that don’t conflict with Judaism. Unfortunately, most religious books for kids are created by Christians who think Jesus is the only way into heaven and must be mentioned – even in books for toddlers. But there must be some books out there that only refer to God, or maybe that retell Old Testament stories. I still think it’s not up to other people to involve themselves in your children’s religious eductation without you asking for it (since I agree that it is very personal), but this might at least be a middle ground with the MIL.
We have the reverse going on — my sister in-law is devout Catholic, her (my) mother in law isn’t religious… so it goes both ways, if it makes you feel better.
Your child = your rules. But, exposing your child to other options when they are old enough to know the difference sounds good in my family. We’ll see how that unfolds.
I’m glad you posted this. BTW, I have a friend who was raised 1/2 Jewish and 1/2 Catholic. As an adult she says she ended up choosing “nothing.” So, there you go. Best laid plans!
Oh my, I was going to ask you this several months ago when you moved to Utah. Have you had any mormon neighbors thrown into the mix yet?
BTW, Real SImple mag also had a feature a few months ago about mixed religions in family units. It was quite good.
All the best and much peace to you.
Melissa,
I know you are a fan of the mag Real Simple. In this past months issue they have a recipe for one pot salmon. It is delicious and easy. It is all made in one pot and the recipe includes salmon, rice and sugar snap peas. The salmon is coated with a sauce of soy sauce, scallions and fresh ginger.
I am definitely going to try your salmon recipe and I already bought a bottle of the Girards salad dressing. I am always looking for a good dressing. Another to try is Briannas Real French Vinaigrette.
Donna
OMG (no pun intended), Melissa. I could’ve written this post. EVERY word. I’m Jewish, my hubby is Chrisitian (not very religious), his parents and sisters are EXTREMELY devout. We never settled the matter of what religion our children would be, before we got married. When I got pregnant, we still didn’t settle it. Once Bear was born, we decided nothing official had to be done until he was old enough to attend sunday school. (I didn’t want a bris for personal reasons and in hubby’s religion, baptism doesn’t happen in infanthood).
So, my biggest fear while pregnant, or shortly after Bear was born was how my in-laws (and my parents, too) would push the religion issue. Luckily, there’s been little to no friction. His parents have given Bear a few stories about christmas (but Jesus wasn’t named, it was actually very well done), books on easter (but not religious) and Noah’s Ark (which I love). So, all my worrying was for naught.
That aside, I feel that we haven’t settled the religion issue because we don’t want to argue. I consider Bear Jewish, and according to Jewish law, he is. We celebrate all the holidays in our home and that won’t change when we finally settle on how to raise our children. I strongly believe that Judaism (reform, that is) teaches tolerance and accepts the fact that not everyone is Jewish and that’s ok. Hubby’s religion will teach Bear that I will go to hell because I don’t think Jesus is the Messiah. I think that could be psychologically damaging. So, you see which direction, I’m leaning?
Good luck — this will be a never-ending battle with your MIL, no matter what you decide.
Oh Melissa. What a horrible situation to find yourself in. Having your MIL stick her nose in your business IS inappropriate. My husband and I are also in a sort of weird standstill about religion. I grew up in a Christian household, but would no longer classify myself a Christian. My husband also doesn’t have any ties to religion either, however, I feel like we need to provide some sort of spiritual context for Clara as she is growing up and we can’t decide what that will look like. I would like for Erick and I to be together on this, but we aren’t. Sooo, right now? We just don’t talk about it.
Fortunately, we are in Rome and there is really nothing but Catholicism available (in English), which neither of us are even remotely interested in!
I hope you find yourself able to work this out. You can think of it this way- if nothing else, Pea and Coco will, with your open-minded attitude, be able to make choices about their relationship with God while they are young and that, in and of itself, is a huge gift to your children- for many, many reasons.
I listened to a really interesting podcast on the Speaking of Faith website (public radio) that had a discussion about children and spirituality. You may want to check it out…