After I wrote last about my passion for Love & Logic, I received quite a few emails asking me to go into further detail about what this theory of parenting entails. And now that it’s been about one month since my last post on the topic, I can say with delight that it’s really working for our family. So much so, that my husband often walks into a room and announces, “wow, you are so good at this parenting thing. Such a natural.”

And I know I’m a great mom. That’s not in question here. What is in question is how I’ve dealt with the recent three-year old tantrums and bullying that we’ve all been subjected to by the hand’s of my sweet little Dictator. Because Pea? She’s been somewhat diabolical lately. And that is not an overstatement. She will become frustrated, and rather then walk herself through it, she will march over to her little sister, sweetly playing by herself in the corner, and push her over. Just like that. And I know that the day will come when Coco will push back. I remember how I used to torture my brother, as a kid. I would pin him down, dig my elbows into his arms so that he was immobile, I would squeeze his mouth open and blow boogers into it. Right from my nose. I’m not kidding. I did this. Not a lot. I saved this for the times when he really irritated me. You know, by breathing. But for the most part? I’d wail on him if he ever dared to say no to me. Until, one day. That day. The day that he punched me back. I never laid another finger on him. Ever again. And so I know that Coco will be okay. She’s the underdog now, but soon? She will be victorious. And then her relationship with her big sister will turn a corner. A gentle corner. But until then? What am I going to do?

So, Love & Logic has answered all of those questions for me, and then some. But like with anything else remotely related to how we parent our children, there are two sides. And they are so diametrically opposed. On the one side? Me. Waving the Love & Logic Rocks flag. Fervently. And on the other side? Hecklers. They think it’s condescending. Or harsh. Or whatever. And you know what I say to that?

It works here. For us. In our family. And, on the contrary, I don’t find it to be condescending. Or harsh. I find it to be highly effective. Listen, I spent most of my adolescence being grounded. “Go to your room. Get out of my face, I don’t want to see you. I can’t even look at you right now. What’s the matter with you? No dessert, no phone, no TV, no car keys, no school dance, no nothing. Ever.” And my mom wasn’t abusive in the least. That’s just how she parented. But for me? It was harsh. And rather then learn right from wrong? Rather then learn how to make good decisions? I mastered the art of lying, the art of deception, the art of making my mother think that I was someone that I was not. And you know what? It was easy. And in addition to being a master manipulator? I also learned how to stuff down my true feelings. Communication in my house, as a child, was not that open. In fact, it was closed. And still is, in my parent’s homes. And so, I never learned how to set boundaries for myself. I never learned that it’s okay to speak up. And I was a people pleaser. I became very good at putting on the smile and pretending life was grand. And eventually, I caught on. You know, the whole “fake it till you make it” theory? I had it down. But life doesn’t have to be this way. At least not for me. And so I work hard at changing those all patterns, which are all too easy to repeat.

And I’m not willing to go through that with my girls. I want to be a little gentler in my parenting ways. I want to teach them to talk openly. I want to be a safe place for my girls, always. No matter what. And I want them to know right from wrong and to make the better decision. And that is what Love & Logic is teaching my husband and me.

I could go on and on about this topic for days. But instead, I will outline the three aspects of the theory that are really working for us.

1) Choices. There are so many choices to make in a day, and a good number of them? Can be made by Pea, with little chaotic aftermath. So we barrage her with choices all day long. “Would you like to wear a dress or shorts today? Would you like turkey bacon and eggs or cereal for breakfast? Would you like to play in the backyard or go to the park? Would you like to eat lunch at your little table or the big table? Would you like to go to the potty alone or with mommy? Would you like a snack now or in five minutes? Would you like milk or water with your dinner? Would you like to take a bath with bubbles or without? Would you like to read two stories tonight, or three? Would you like to sleep with your door open or closed?” She makes her decision and all I know is that as long as both options are outcomes that I can live with, then she’s making good decisions. She feels she has control and no one is the wiser. Well, at least she’s not the wiser! And then, we take it one step further. And when she’s in a bullying fit with her little sister? We offer choices on the fly. Pea, you have a choice to make here. “You can stop taking that toy away from your little sister and play together nicely, or I will have to take you into the other room for some quiet time. What’s it going to be?” Inevitably, she will back off.

2) Communication. This one is key. I want my girls to know that I’m not just their mother. My husband? Not just their father. We have feelings, too. We are people. And so to talk to Pea has had a profound impact on her. “Pea, I feel sad when you throw things at me when I’m trying to give you a bath and get you ready for bed. Because this is my favorite time of the day with you. I look forward to it. It’s special. Just you and me. And when you behave this way? It hurts my feelings and I want to leave the room.” This turns it around every time. It focuses her. She now sees me as a person, someone who perhaps she was not all that nice to? And then she says, “sorry, mommy.” And we finish her bath and read lots of books in bed and snuggle and all is right in our little corner of the world again.

3) Empathy. I always forget this one, until it’s too late. And then I wonder why? Why didn’t I use this one? Because it probably would’ve worked! So this one is the one thing that I think really offends other parents the most. It can come across as cold, I suppose. Or sarcastic? But hey, to each his (or her!) own… We’re sitting at the dinner table, and Pea is throwing a fit. Whatever it is I’ve made? She will not touch it. With a ten-foot pole. And I’m not one of those mothers who is ever going to cook a separate meal for the kids. That’s not going to happen. And so, I go to empathy. “Wow, Pea. This is very sad. We’re so fortunate to be sitting at this table, enjoying this delicious meal together, as a family. But you don’t want to eat what I’ve prepared. Boy, that’s just really too bad. So, I will just take it away. You don’t have to eat it. But don’t worry, you can have breakfast in the morning.” And then? Yes, you guessed it. I take away the plate. If I’ve learned one thing as a parent, it’s that if you don’t follow through on the consequences, your kids are going to walk all over you. Hard. And so, I take it away. And there may be whining. And fussing. But you know what? She’s not going to starve from missing one meal. And? Lesson learned.

I know Love & Logic is not for everyone. But there are some real gems in the book. And you can tweak it to work for you. You really can. Not by much, but you can. And for me? It’s helped me to take a step back. Not be so quick to react, and to remember that Pea is small. And while she thinks she’s a big girl? She’s still so much a baby, and she needs my patience, my guidance and my wisdom to help her to navigate successfully though her day. And that’s what I want, too. So nice to be on the same page with my little Dictator!