I had my doubts about private school for our daughter. It seemed haughty. Exclusive. Two things that are not me. Or my husband. Or our family. But we enrolled her. It’s just for two years. Just until kindergarten, when she will transfer to the public school.
I believed there existed a code of ethics at private school. When it’s birthday party time, you invite all of the kids in the class. Or you invite none of the kids in the class. Why? Because in a class as small as hers, to exclude any child is cruel. Why would you ever choose to alienate one child from another?
All of the parties that we’ve been to this year have included all of the children. But a recent party? Selective. And to the mother who mistakenly mentioned the party to me? Don’t feel awkward. The way that you handled it was very classy.
Pea was not invited. My husband is certain that other children were left off of the guest list. But I don’t know that. Nothing surprises me these days.
I felt sad for my daughter, but I‘m the one who received the lesson in exclusivity. And so, to the mother who didn’t invite my child and then sent me a rather lengthy justification of why you didn’t invite my daughter? You should have left it alone. The last thing I wanted to see was your name attached to an email in my inbox. Some things are better left unsaid.
How will I handle this? Since I opted out of responding to her email and instead hit ‘delete?’ I will pleasantly smile at her as we bump into one another while dropping our children off at school next week. I will say good morning with a sincere smile. Because I am a kind person. With good manners. But inside? I will be wishing that I could say to her, in my snootiest voice, “how was your kid’s birthday party?” And then think of how satisfying it would be to hand her a gift-wrapped present for her child. And you know what that gift would be? A copy of Peggy Post’s 17th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette. Because our children learn from us.
Good manners are not just about saying “please” and “thank you.” Good manners are also about how you make people feel.
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You got an Email from this woman to explain why? That’s nerve.
It isn’t only private schools that have this sort of thinh. however.
I think you should give her the book anyways. Though I suppose that would be somewhat less than taking the high ground. I can’t believe that after that she had the nerve to email you and try to justify her actions. Especially when you didn’t even say anything to her about it. Seriously, some people do not understand etiquette. I know the Pea will never have that problem.
my daughter’s pr-k has no real “set” rules on invites. When you sign your child out @ pick up time, you check your parent box. It’s where teachers leave notes, scholastic order forms etc. Parent’s also leave bday invites, avon catalogs, softball sign ups etc. etc. It works nicely. my daughter has been invited to some parties, not everyone. I have never seen a day where there was a invite in all of the cubbies, for every kid. On a average day you will see 10-12 bright colored envelopes. aka invites. There are 4 classes of 12 kids per class. it would be easy for parent to invite all the kids from their class. But the kids have common lunch & art time, outdoor play. So it’s common for a kid to play w/ someone from another class.
Thankfully we will be taking a trip for my daughter’s bday. So were not doing a party.If we were going to I can say, I would not invite all 11 kids. Why would I invite the boy who pulls her hair? Or the child who isn’t known for being polite. In the same turn I would invite kids that she enjoys sitting w/ @ lunch, but not in her class.
At my daughter’s prek, they celebrate every child’s bday in class. And yes, I’ve gotten several bday invites and must admit, I didn’t go to neither. However, I understand both sides. How one can feet sad for their child if not invited. I know I would. But then there are some parents who just can’t afford inviting everyone or just don’t want to feel overwhelmed. So I guess, as our kids get older, we just need to explain the many reasons why they may or may not be invited to these parties and that in the end, it’s no big deal.
I had a terrible experience with my child’s 1st formal birthday party when she was in kindergarten. I invited all of her classmates. I asked for RSVP’s and received 6 out of 24. Because my child’s birthday is 12/20, I called those who RSVP’ed the day before to confirm. 2 of the 6 backed out. On the day of her party, with the room booked and the food and entertainment paid for, not a single child — not one — showed up. It was just our family.
I was devastated and hurt but felt like I had to keep my spirits up so as not to ruin my daughter’s day. She was a little sad, but got over it quickly with lots of love and playtime. When I got home, I called the 4 parents who RSVP’ed to ask what happened, and heard everything from Christmas shopping to I forgot to bad weather.
It was really the first time I experienced that other parents were not like me, and it hurt. I would consider their children’s feelings, but they would not consider mine. I decided then that I would not change, nor would I change them. Like you, I took the high road. 20 years later, I still think it’s the right thing to do.
I’ve heard some parents believe in only letting kids invite as many kids as their age. So a 4 year old can invite 4 friends. This seems like a reasonable limitation to me and one I’ll probably impose when my son is in pre-school. I don’t want to hurt any feelings, so I guess I won’t invite any friends from school. But I wonder if their feelings will be hurt anyway if they find out he had a party and they weren’t invited, even if other kids from the school weren’t invited.
By the way, I didn’t think any pre-K schools were publically funded, so what differentiates a private preschool from a public preschool?
the public school my child attends has a no invitations at school policy. This allows parents to mail them, cause sad to say it gets worse. boys and girls start to have separate parties when they get older. Hey when we are in Pre-K gimme a break I think it should be all or none
. The drama has only just begun. No worries though because your girls will have oodles of class invited or not. Way to go!
I know how this feels as a child I was left out of being invited to parties and my twin sister was invited. It was a hard lesson to learn when you are young that you are not always on the list. I still can’t believe people would do that to sisters (twin sisters at that). But I accept it now. I am not sure how I will handle this situation with my little girl yet but she is only 3 months old so we have a long ways to go before her party attending days!
Good for you for taking the high road and saying nothing. I can only hope that I am able to do that if the situation ever comes around!
I haven’t been through this myself, but I’m sure I would have felt the same way. This is why I’m glad that the teachers of my kids school will not let a child pass out invitations to their party unless they have one for each child. I know the world isn’t a fair place, but it’s not about fair, it’s about a 5yr old childs feelings.
My biggest girl is in kindergarten. I don’t believe in exclusive parties unless the child wants an exclusive party. Her JK party was exclusive. Her SK party wasn’t.
There are children in class that make her feel uncomfortable, and if she wants to exclude them, so be it. I guess I’m more about supporting her choices than insisting on what’s fair.
But maybe I should read the Emily Post book! I think your response is the right one – to have deleted the email and continue to smile at the mother.
Boo… hey no biggie that Pea wasn’t invited. It happens, parties and kids = $ but what’s the deal with the email? It just seems kinda weird and jerkish. If she really felt bad about it, it’s as simple as “Sorry, funds are tight this year” unless that’s not her reasoning and then she might just need that book
I know that if it was me and my daughter that I would feel the same way as you, but life is not fair, it is not always friendly, people aren’t always totally inclusive, maybe, as your husband chooses to believe, only half the class was invited… people also have the right to invite who they want to invite to their own parties. I say take the lead from Pea, I hope she can keep the ‘no biggie’ attitude when it happens to her at 13, and it will. (All the same, as I said, if it were me I would be hurt too!)