Lately, I’ve just been feeling like such an impostor as a mother. Like I have no clue what I’m doing here, and it’s beginning to show. I swear, I see people looking at me funny, and I just know that they are thinking to themselves, “who let her be a mom?” I can’t get these kids to do what they should be doing! Pea actually retorted “whatever, mom” to me just yesterday. Her dad was there. He witnessed the whole thing. She is all of four.
Coco has always, always been the most mellow kid I’ve encountered. Seriously easy-going. Always happy, never without a smile on her precious little face. It’s been nothing but an easy ride with that kid.
Until now. Well, technically, until about three or so months ago.
It hit us like a very large bag of bricks in the face. The screaming. At the top of her lungs. At first? It was in reaction to something clearly annoying that her older sister had done to her: taken a toy away from her, pushed her off the sofa, gotten the larger half of the cookie. Always some perceived slight on her behalf.
And then… it morphed. Into something larger than life. Something that we cannot handle. Something that is going to send me over the edge. Literally to the brink. Of insanity.
She screams all the time. When she’s hurt. When she’s not hurt. When her sister won’t share. When her sister does share. When she wants juice and I’m not moving fast enough. When she wants a bath now now now and we’re on the highway half-way between SLC and our home. When she needs a snack. Has a yucky. Can’t see the TV. I could go on and on, but you’re getting the point, right?
It is, how shall I say, annoying.
And like any fully grown and mature woman, how have I taken to dealing with it? I scream back. That’s right. Coco screams at me and I return the favor. So as my husband stands there, a dumbfounded look on his face as he ping-pongs back and forth watching the exchange, he can’t help but wonder aloud how I can possibly assume that screaming at my screaming child not to scream is going to get her to stop screaming?
I don’t know? Nothing else is working. And I am human and can only take so much? And do you have any better ideas? Because I do not.
Help! Help!
It feels as if I am banging my head against a wall. All day long. And I can’t stop. And no one else can make it stop. And you’d think it’d be as easy as saying, “hey, quit banging your head against that wall,” right? Something like, “hey, quit screaming, use those words of yours that you are so fluent with,” but that ship sailed long ago.
And I am so sick and tired of reading parenting books. And parenting magazines. And parenting websites. More than four years in, I feel like I should have this down.
And so, while you’re at it, leaving me comments about how to get my two-and-a-half-year old to quit screaming all the time, do me a favor and also let me know how to make my four-year old more agreeable when it’s time to leave a play-date. Or playgroup. Or the park. The bathtub. Pretty much any place that is more fun that the sound of my voice simply saying, “hey, it’s time to go kiddo.”
How could such a sweet little thing have so much sass inside of her? At so young an age? My husband says she gets it from me. So does my mother.
Ouch…
comments
So very very glad to hear my kids aren’t the only ones screaming to leave playdates. This has been the most embarrassing part of parenting for me. It seems like we are only friends with people who have very well behaved children…could it be that they are just boring??? That’s what I tell myself. That my kids are just full of personality, extra in fact, and the other children are bumps on logs.
It makes me not want to go to playdates, but I persevere because I have convinced myself that the more they get to do it, the more they will realize we will be back or their friends will come to our house and there’s no need to scream/cry/high-pitch-whine about it. But how long exactly before this kicks in????
Please keep us updated, I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for a solution.
Hey Melissa! I always pop in and out of your blog but feel a kindred spirit with you since our kids are so close in age.
I too have yelled or snapped at my kids and am absolutely horrified after I do it, each and every time. I’ve learned to let go of some of the guilt because 1. toddlers are supposed to be testing you and 2. this fact means they are perfectly normal. I know that is not much solace when you are going through it, but as it’s been said, we ALL do it and go through it.
Approx. 3 to 4 months ago, I found myself also on the brink (things have improved since then) and while I know you don’t want another parenting book recommendation, I’ve been reading Scream-Free Parenting (what a great title, eh?) in snippets, here and there and it has really shifted my thinking. I swear to you. It should be tops on the list for every parent. (In my humble opinion anyway.)
He says some incredible things like, when you scream at your kids you are asking them to help calm you down, since you are unable to…AND asking this from the youngest members of your household. It really has FORCED me to take a very DEEP breath when I’m in that moment (of course, I don’t always succeed) but I’ve gotten better and I make sure to always apologize and explain why I got upset.
There’s a website, but the book is fantastic. http://www.screamfree.com
Anyway, just wanted to add in my two “mommy” cents since I also have my great days and my “why-didn’t-anyone-tell-me-this-is-going-to-make-me-berserk” days.
Oh and by the way, YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MOM.
Who else could tackle those inspiring art projects? Me? I’m still on fingerpainting and playdoh projects.
Luv ya,
Hugs,
Sonja
Wow. I really wish I had some secret solution. I hope things mellow out soon. ::hugs::
Lol – sounds about right. I have enjoyed reading you on and off for a while now and have only occasionally posted a comment.
Sounds like others have already said it. You cetainly aren’t alone! And for me, the kicker is that each of my three boys have been so different. It’s not like I figured it out with one and then could apply it to the others.
One thing that has worked with me in terms of transitioning is to give time warnings. We have to leave in 8 min. 5 min. 3 min. 30 sec. time to start saying goodbye. Okay, time to go. When we are at home and it is an issue with transitioning between activities I have even used a timer. I know this doesn’t work for everyone.
I agree that screaming back at a screaming kid only ramps things up but I fall prey to it often. I count it a good day if I respond like an adult 50% of the time!
A big phrase in my house is “you don’t get what you whine for.” It’s starting to sink in.
Hang in there and thanks for the honest post. It’s good for all us moms to be reminded we aren’t the only one’s who feel things are spinning out!
Hi there:
Yes, count me among the many moms here with a screaming 2.5 year old little girl. I started reading your blog around the time that both of our daughters were born, and I really appreciate posts like this. I have found myself screaming back at my kids and not even recognizing myself in that moment.
I’m sure you’ve gone through all of the possible causes (maybe Coco needs a little more mommy time, some of Pea’s privileges, more time with dad, etc.). Maybe there’s absolutely no reason that you can think of. I know one thing that helps with my screamer is talking to her about it when she isn’t screaming. We do use time outs for screaming, and we also take away treats and other special privileges (like TV). We use a sticker chart for good behavior with our oldest, and we use it less “by the book” with our screamer, but sometimes I remember to reward her when she’s not screaming, and maybe that helps. I’m not sure.
I know that my oldest threw a lot of tantrums at this age b/c his language wasn’t very well developed. But my screamer can talk like a dream. I think she also knows how much it drives us crazy, and she uses it to control us.
Good luck! I’m with you. Right there, screaming my head off, listening to my daughter screaming off hers.
Ooohhh…and as for how to get your four year old to leave places. I’m afraid my solution is not very dignified. Please don’t hate me. It’s the promise of gum in the car.
I think by the time we figure out how to handle it, they’ll be over it. That’s just how these little people work. They express themselves in not so pleasant ways sometimes. It helps for them to get it out of their system b/c they won’t get away with that as adults. ha!! My 4 year old girl is all attitude. Don’t know how she got that way but I don’t feed into it b/c it only makes it worse. My little one has yet to pick up on his sister’s ways. Just hang in there. If your mom says you were the same way and you came out perfectly fine, then no need to worry
Please stop watching me through the windows!!!!!! Ha Ha, I could have written this myself. It must be something with the second child and the “SCREAM” ouch it hurts my ears and any patience I have disappears so quickly. We had a hard time with it this summer but I will say it seems to be getting better, oh wait maybe it is just that her older sister is in school in the morning so she doesn’t have to use it.
Okay so my only solution is we have to cut ourselves in half so they each get one and the screaming by them, will subside, let me know if you figure out how to do it.
What someone said below- you are not alone!
I have been feeling the same way as you (“I’ve been doing this for four years, I should have it down by now”) and it is so frustrating because with the overwhelming infant years well behind us, we think things get easier. But they don’t (particularly when it comes to girls, I’ve been told.)
My daughter doesn’t scream, but she’s started crying over every.little.thing. She has cried more in her 3rd year of life then she did in the two prior. And it is driving us batty at home, because really, who *is* this kid?
Please know that you are not alone. What is it with that screaming? My oldest never did it, but she is also 4 and pulled the “whatever” card, too. I have no idea where she got that. Well maybe I do. But the screaming thing? A few months ago I hit my brink. We live in the middle of nowhere with very few neighbors to speak of when a “freakfest” occurred. It went on for at least 25 minutes before I started to cry, there was nothing I could do. It actually progressively got worse, to the point where she was thrashing and having a physical temper tantrum. Finally, I picked her up, placed her on the front porch and stated “If you’re going to act like an animal, you’re going to have to live outside with them.” Now, normally, if she wasn’t having a temper tantrum freakfest, she would have been outside playing anyway, but for some reason the thought of being made to live there changed the whole thing. It was not one of my finer moments, but it ended up being the straw that broke the screaming camel’s back. I haven’t been back to that place in a while, but that instance clings to me and hovers around me as a real possibility at any given moment. I’ve got 3 girls and would pay money to see how the children of any one of those parenting books turns out. I bet those of us who can admit that we don’t have any idea of what we’re doing, fare a bit better in the end. I hope so anyway. Keep on keeping on, Mama. You’re doing fine.
I had to respond just to say thanks for being honest. The post and comments made me laugh out loud. I’m not there yet with my kids, but several friends have spoken highly of a book called Parenting with Love and Logic. I heard recently that there is a new version specifically about dealing with toddlers.
I can’t remember how I began reading your blog, but I have done so sporadically for a year or more. A few posts ago you mentioned being told you have asthma when you are convinced you do not, and I was interested because the same thing happened to me last year. I had finally gone to an allergist after years of coping with seasonal allergies, and was diagnosed with asthma based on a breathing test (can’t remember what it was called, but it measured how fast and for how long you could exhale). I too thought it was ridiculous since I’ve never had any trouble breathing. Last week I think I might have figured out the reason for my low scores on the breathing test and misdiagnosis of asthma, so I thought I’d share in case it solves the mystery for you as well. I think the answer is scoliosis. I have known about my scoliosis since middle school and had chiropractic treatment periodically since then. Last week my back started bothering me and I decided to look up some exercises. In reading online I came across info about side effects of scoliosis that had never been mentioned to me. One of them is decreased vital capacity (basically lung space), since your organs are cramped on the side to which your spine curves. Good thing I’ve been ignoring that inhaler they sent home with me.
I am going to have to join the club here and say I deal with the same situation with my youngest (who will be 3 yrs old in a few short weeks). Annoying is putting it lightly in my opinion…it has, on more than one occasion (I am not ashamed to say), driven me to pour a glass of wine at 3:00 in the afternoon and chug it. If you do find the answer, by God please post it!
You have just written my life – exactly. I’m sorry I can’t offer more words of wisdom – perhaps knowing that you aren’t along might help?
This is sooo my kids.
My husband bought me a book called “How to Behave So That Your Children Will” (Instead of commenting on my behavior I suppose…)
Things are getting better.
I’m going to respond because I had the SAME problem. But I have to send it in email…
Shannon